dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
