three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
