so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
