I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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