nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
