You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
