I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
