Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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