Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
