The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
