Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
