Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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