your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
