I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
