You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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