Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
