it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
