I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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