So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
