he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
time to smoke my breakfast
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
