addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
