And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
