I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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