I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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