Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
