I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you inspire me to be a worse person
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
