I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
