i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize