I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
