A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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