I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
