so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
