Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize