My first STD was from a foam party
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just gift wrapped bread.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
