As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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