my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
