i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
