Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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