i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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