I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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