im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
