Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can I color on your dick again?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
