just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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