My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
