I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
