i just wanna soil my oats bro
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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