So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
