JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
