Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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