I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
