The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
