Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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