She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
