Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
