false alarm. still invincible.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize