Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
