Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
