I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
