I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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