I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize