Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
