I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
