I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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