just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
